I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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