LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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