I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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