This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
