I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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