I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
being pregnant is like rehab
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
