I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
