I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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