I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You dont lie about slip and slides
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize