Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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