Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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