Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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