she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
