"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
