none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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