the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
