so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
