yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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