he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
