Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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