So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
