matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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