sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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