It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
