I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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