so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
