please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
