I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
