I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
