This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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