direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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