I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
