Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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