Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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