3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
