You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My pussy is not your playground.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize