OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
