My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
