you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
