First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
