I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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