Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
