dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
