Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Too much gin, very little bucket
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
