So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
