you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
