Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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