Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
