My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
