I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
